Category Archives: Think

Performative Success: Why You Shouldn’t Do it for Your Ex

Over the past few years, I’ve come across a lot of posts like this one:

 

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A post shared by Barbara Corcoran (@barbaracorcoran)

Or that meme about Lady Gaga responding to her jerk-of-an-ex who told her she’d never “make it” that someday he wouldn’t be able to turn on the radio without hearing her music.

No hate to Corcoran or Germanotta by any means. I admire each of them across different domains, and hardly think this truncated version of events is the whole story.

But when things are boiled down to this particular, simplistic, Darwinian meme, it always makes me a little uneasy.

It’s a little bit girl boss.

It’s a little bit shallow.

And ultimately, it centers the wrong person.

5 reasons success isn’t the best revenge in relationships

I do not believe that success is the best revenge in intimate relationships. In fact, this type of performative success can even be detrimental. Here are a handful of reasons why.

1. It externalizes success metrics.

The most profound moments of success in my life haven’t come from moments of publicity or  fame. While those things can be fleetingly affirming, the moments that really changed my life — the moments where I actually enjoyed being on the mountain top rather than immediately fixing my gaze on the next peak — came from achieving goals I didn’t publish on social media.

In my own humble experience, success directed by an internal locus of personal growth is far more rewarding than success that garners public applause.

Granted, I am a weirdo who is largely unimpressed by status.

But even still, if you give those goals that you set for yourself and no one else precedence over goals you set for the admiration or spite of others, I’m decently confident you’ll arrive at a similar conclusion.

2. You’re centering the male gaze.

Setting a goal to prove your ex wrong might feel incredibly motivating during the process.

But here’s the thing: You’re centering your goal around them.

And for ladies who date men, that inherently means you’re centering your achievements around the male gaze.

So as you’re setting these goals, try to take a step back and deconstruct. Ask yourself who is at the center of this supposed success. What goals would you be setting for yourself if you had never met that person you just broke up with?

Remove their influence from the equation entirely. Get back in touch with what you want for you. Reclaim your power by putting yourself back at the center of your own life.

Otherwise, no matter what you achieve, they are still the one controlling your life and outcomes.

3. They probably don’t care.

Unless your ex is stalking you on social media, odds are pretty high that they’re never going to hear about whatever revenge success you achieve. There is no real monoculture anymore, so whatever’s showing up in your own, individualized feed probably isn’t showing up in theirs. Maybe you’re literally Lady Gaga, but short of that, odds are pretty high that they’re not going to even know that the thing you’re trying to rub in their face ever happened.

And if they do? I hate to tell you — but they probably won’t care.

I’ve run into a few people over the course of my life who have been on the other side of this revenge success. While they might acknowledge it momentarily when they first hear about it, it’s not something that eats away at them or fills them with regret. For all those years you spend achieving it, it’s out of their head within seconds.

4. Do you really want someone that fetishizes your fame or money?

Feel free to replace “fame” or “money” with any other externalized metric.

If you’re doing this revenge success thing to prove something to them — why do you feel like it’s necessary?

Are you trying to get them back?

Do really want to be with someone who would only want you if you were draped in the trappings of worldly “success”?

And if you don’t want them back, why would you put them at the center of your goals?

5. When women’s income or status goes up, it doesn’t do what you think it’ll do.

There’s lots of studies out there that show when a woman’s economic status goes up as an individual, her partnership prospects actually go down.

Now, I’d argue that shouldn’t stop you from getting all the money. Anyone who finds you more attractive because you’re economically disenfranchised is not a good partner — even if that shrinks the pool.

But if you’re reaching for some externalized, performative success with the primary goal of getting your ex-partner to look your way, as a woman, that’s statistically unlikely to happen.

Nuance

Of course, there is grey in all areas of life. There is room for nuance.

I’ve written before about how powerful it can be to do something someone tells you is impossible. How it can be a great motivator. How it can be a remarkable way to hold onto hope in dark times.

I do still think that is true…in the context of personal empowerment.

Not necessarily in the context of revenge or spite in intimate relationships. Again, you’ve got to remember to keep yourself at the center of your own life. Otherwise, that person you’re feeling so much rage towards is still running you.

Here’s a couple ways to think about reframing it.

This will not be my story.

There are occasions in our lives when another person’s detrimental decisions about how to treat us will completely upend our lives in not-so-great ways.

I think in those moments, it’s normal to be sad and distraught. Maybe even angry if the circumstances call for it.

When it happens, after you’ve allowed yourself to have that initial reaction, a better path forward than revenge can be attempting to find some resolve.

One powerful phrase to steel yourself with is:

“This will not be my story.”

Then you can decide on what your story will be. For yourself. In your own power.

That does not mean you no longer have to contend with the consequences of other’s decisions.

It does not erase all agony.

But it does allow you to to give authorship to what happens next.

By focusing on what you do and don’t want your story to be, you allow yourself to center all the amazing things you are and could be — independent of the poor decisions and actions other have taken towards you. You’re back behind the wheel rather than letting someone who did you wrong drive the car.

The loss is you. And you don’t have to do anything to prove it.

When someone handles you poorly, the “revenge,” if it must be framed that way, is that you — as a human being — are no longer in their lives. You could strip away all the economic and physical trappings, and even still, the loss is in the inherent qualities of your soul. You don’t need to be featured on page one of any newspaper to have value.

And if you feel like you do? Get out a pen and paper.

Write down all the amazing things you are now. Today. Without changing a thing.

Rather than focusing on the aspirational things you think they may regret in the future, look at that list of great qualities they’ve chosen to give up in the moment. That’s the “revenge.” You don’t need anything beyond that.

Because who you become tomorrow should belong to you — not to an ex out of spite.

Things I Wish I Had Done When I Was Younger: Reprise

Dreamscape of sailboat crossing a body of water reflecting clouds, the night sky and the Milky Way.

Back in 2019, I wrote a reflective piece about all the things I would do if I was younger. If I had less responsibility in my life. I honestly forgot I had written it.

It read a bit morose.

My goal was to encourage young women to go do all the things while they were young. To take on every opportunity. As a woman who had felt so much obligation and responsibility in her youth, I hoped just one person would read it and take control of their own priorities before the ‘heavier’ responsibilities of later adulthood kicked in.

Reprise: You Are Never Too Old

Stumbling upon this piece again was quite the surprise. In the years that followed, we’d all live through an exhausting course of ‘unprecedented’ events. For me, these events served as a catalyst. Things got really difficult during the early pandemic years, but I harnessed those difficulties to achieve impossible things – financially and otherwise. Eventually, after some time of struggle, hope showed up again. My story was rewritten.

As I sit here seven years later, my life looks completely different than it did in 2019. Don’t get me wrong – 2019 wasn’t necessarily all doom and gloom.

But relying on the ghosts of my own words, I had a lot of unfulfilled dreams. Apparently, I also felt the very real weight of my responsibilities meant that these dreams were lost to me. My nontraditional path in life left me feeling some remorse for opportunities that had skipped me over.

Apparently.

As I reread these words, I was shocked to see that many of the things that I had on my 2019 list – that list I had forgotten about with the passage of the million words I had written since – had come true. In one way or another.

Seven years later, I have received opportunities to newly study things that excite me. To contribute to the world in new realms. To see places I had only dreamed of.

In that spirit, I’m rewriting this piece with a new message. Not to younger women, but to women of any age:

You are never too old.

White Whales & Albatrosses

The me of 2019 had accepted certain limitations on my life. My plate was full, and I was grateful for the abundance – if not exhausted by certain aspects of it at times. There simply wasn’t any give for the things I thought were reserved for the young.

Goodness gracious, my plate got fuller when the world shut down. Much as so many other women, I became the embodiment of the safety net my country was lacking. I wasn’t happy about it. But I did learn that I was capable of handling more.

If I was to handle more, then, why not attempt to restructure my life in radical ways? So that the ‘more’ was actually serving me rather than crushing me?

It was this act of allowing myself to imagine radical change that enabled everything that came next. I was no longer putting limitations on myself because I thought certain aspects of life had simply passed me by. My age was no longer an albatross. My dreams no longer a white whale.

No matter your age, no matter your responsibilities, this act of imagining is hopeful. Things don’t always turn out exactly how we dream them. They don’t always happen exactly when we want them to.

I am, afterall, sitting here seven whole years later. None of this happened overnight.

But, with the support of others, it did happen.

Along the way, I’ve had the privilege of meeting other women who have made radical shifts well into their lives’ journeys. They’ve set goals and not let anything stop them from achieving success – least of all their age.

Which makes me think that my experience isn’t an isolated phenomenon. Starting something new can be intimidating. There will be financials to figure out. But if it’s something you truly want for yourself and those around you, you are never too old.

Relearning Old Lessons

If I dig back further into the archives of my writing, I realize that this is not the first time I’ve learned this lesson. One of the first reflective pieces I wrote was on this very topic. It’s one that got audiences talking, and helped cement this writing thing into a career.

THE PIECE: Regrets In Life

We are never too old to reach for new dreams. But we are also never too old to learn the same lesson twice.

Voicing Your Needs Helps Your Finances & Your Health

As we make our way through the world, many learn that when they muster up the courage to request what they need, they’ll be met with crickets — or worse, with extreme resistance.

While this can be true in interpersonal relationships, I think even in those interpersonal spheres, the phenomenon is informed and even enforced by the larger systems that surround us.

When you run into these roadblocks often enough, you eventually start to think it’s easier to do everything on your own. To not be that guy who asks for an assist. To not rock the boat.

This experience is particularly common for women, likely because of the cultural norms around gender which we’ve absorbed over the course of our lifetimes. For women in particular, we know that this self-silencing type of behavior can negatively impact not just our financial or mental health, but our physical health to boot.

It can feel overwhelming to express ourselves. Awkward to adjust to being anything other than a vessel of sustenance for others. But the more you at least give it a shot, the more likely it is that voicing your needs will improve your well-being.

Self-silencing can limit your ability to take care of yourself

Failing to express your needs not only cuts you off from the assistance of others. It can also hamper your ability to provide for yourself.

Here’s an example from Lessons in Chemistry:

We’ll put the conflicts of fame versus personal life aside for a moment, and focus solely on the sister’s raise.

The sister probably needed a raise. But a lifetime of conditioning led her to believe that if she
went to her boss, she’d experience a negative outcome.

Now, systemically, we know that her fear was justified. Women ask for raises just as often as men, but they’re rejected 25% more often. And these stats are relatively recent  — we can assume they’re better than when the show was set in the 1950s.

The sister probably had visceral, like experiences in the past. The threat of negative consequences for voicing her needs was real.

TIP: It turns out women have to request a raise differently to accommodate gender norms – but that’s a conversation for another time.

The thing is…if you don’t ask, you’re definitely not going to get it. She likely needed that money
to care for herself and/or her family. Had she continued to let that neurochemical reaction rule,
she wouldn’t have been able to accomplish that task. The risk was necessary.

While the anxiety was there for a reason, she had to push through it. Because what she needed
was on the other side.

It’s okay to pause in fear. But try not to freeze.

In A Healthy State of Panic,’ Farnoosh Torabi delves deeper into this topic, encouraging us to
have a conversation with our fear or anxiety. She notes that when fear pops up, there might be
something you need to do before moving forward. Something you need to prepare or reflect on
before taking further action.

Let’s extend our analogy of the waitress’ sister. To get her raise, she might need to get a pulse on what the industry was currently paying for her role. Perhaps before she burst through the door of her boss’s office, she needed to make a list of her accomplishments and contributions to the organization to justify her ask.

Maybe she needed to brainstorm some things she really appreciated about the company or
management’s leadership, so she could cushion her asks between flattery.

All of these would be smart moves before requesting a raise as a woman. But if the fear hadn’t
been there to make her pause, she might have skipped over them.

That’s not to say fear should freeze you – stop you from moving forward until you’ve reached
some unobtainable level of perfectionism. That’s by no means Torabi’s conceit.

But when you take a second to pause and ask what you might need to do to feel less anxious
before moving forward, you can find some valuable information.

RECOMMENDED READING

The the wall of anxiety

You don’t have to be a lady to feel fear about expressing your needs. We all come across
instances in our lives that cause us to stop in our tracks. A wall of anxiety that prevents us from
moving forward. That tells us it’s easier to deny ourselves a voice than to push through to the
other side.

But what’s on the other side of that wall? From here, it looks a whole lot like getting your basic
needs met.

Addressing and then pushing through the discomfort can be beneficial for your financial life. Your mental health. Your physical health. Be sure to be respectful of the ‘no’s you hear along
the way, but don’t give up hope that you’ll eventually hear a “yes” — if you ask the right person.

Because here’s the thing: Believe it or not, there are people out there who actually do want to help you. Depending on where you work, your boss might not always be super excited to dig into the coffers to give you a raise, but your friends and neighbors are another story.

People are likely to help you – but only if you ask.

We all need help to get through this thing called life. Yet often, we’re afraid to ask for it. We
wonder why people don’t just offer it spontaneously – especially when they can clearly see that
you’re fighting an uphill battle.

And the answer is…it’s complicated. Sometimes people are self-interested and oblivious.
There’s no way around that. But even for the would-be helpers, there’s a lot of social norms to
navigate.

If you remind that new mother you can babysit or go grocery shopping for her after she hasn’t
taken you up on your first offer, are you being too pushy?

If you give money to someone who is struggling to get back on their feet, will they take it as an
insult to their dignity?

It can be embarrassing to ask for help, but many times, people just don’t know what you need
from them, and it feels too invasive to try and guess. When you can identify your needs and
make a clear ask, they’re actually way more likely to help than you give them credit for.

It’s a phenomenon that has been studied and affirmed by social psychologists.

You won’t hear ‘yes’ 100% of the time. But that’s still more helpful than the effective ‘no’
you’re left with when you don’t put yourself out there. The ‘no’s may also inform you of where there are imbalanced relationships in your life in some circumstances.

Plus every time one of those ‘yes’s rolls through, it will build your faith in humanity a little
stronger. It’s like building a muscle – the more you do it, the easier it gets.

Myth Busting Women’s Banking for Women’s History Month

Pair of blue Aldo high heeled shoes with floral print. One is resting on a large white block. The other is hovering above against a light blue wall.

I keep seeing articles and some allusions on big financial sites that say something along the lines of, “It was illegal for women to have bank accounts in their own name before the 1960s.”

And this just isn’t accurate.

While I’m all about pointing out the financial barriers women face — and banking was and is one of them — this particular myth isn’t fully true.

Let’s talk about what really happened in the 20th century and prior to get a better look at women’s banking history.

Not all women

Let’s be perfectly clear with something upfront: Discourse around women’s rights in American history most often revolves around white women’s rights. Some of the laws we’ll cover today date back to a time when slavery was still legal. Some of them were influenced by people who used blatantly racist arguments to prop up the rights of white women.

We can see the residual effects of that racism even to this day. Black individuals and other marginalized populations are still being denied credit or being given access to less credit than white individuals in 2026. Some offenders over the past 10 years include:

  • Wells Fargo
  • Hudson City Bank
  • Associated Bank
  • Bank of America

On top of limited credit, systemic poverty enforced by redlining and a million other racially-charged laws means that you’re more likely to be unbanked if you’re not white.

If you’re unbanked because you’re in Chexsystem, you might have ended up there because of the predatory fees banks are allowed to charge on low-income client accounts. If you’re in Chexsystem that effectively means you still can’t open a bank account at most financial institutions to this day.

Further reading: Kassandra Dasent’s review of The Black Tax

Colonial America & Post-Revolutionary America

Women could participate in the economy — including banking —  in Colonial America. To be fair, the percentage of women that did participate in banking in particular was minuscule compared to total populace because there were still so many societal obstacles. Though a much larger portion of the population did engage in small business endeavors.

It was a little more complicated for married women. When you got married, you were typically subject to coverture laws, which essentially means you merge into the same legal being as your husband. In most colonies, that meant your husband could conduct business relative to your shared estate without your consent, but you could not do the same without his consent.

You could, if you were monied and powerful enough, become a feme sole trader, which was a legal allowance that let you evade coverture. In this way you could get married and still maintain your own legal estate as if you were single.

Things got marginally less good after the Revolution that established our new country in terms of banking and property rights as pressure to raise the first generation of American men fell on mothers. But by and large these same rules applied to women in the early days of America. Things were particularly favorable to women (at least in the context of the times) in the Northeast, and New York state in particular had some progressive laws in this rite.

When things started to change course

Things started to change for women in the Victorian age leading up to and including the Industrial Revolution.

Why did they change?

Ironically enough, because of the rise of one specific woman to power.

Queen Victoria of England was purported to have some pretty strong views on women’s roles in society, which included unpaid domestic labor and motherhood as a divine calling. ‘Proper’ women weren’t meant to work outside the home. Her philosophies spread to the States.

This was also the era when women were considered to be morally superior, and had to take on the burden of amending men’s iniquities while being discouraged from building their own independence.

In many ways, this was a rebellion against the relative gains women’s rights had experienced in England in the 1700s.

How much of these popular thoughts of the time can actually be ascribed to Victoria’s opinions is a little cloudy. While she is on record saying women shouldn’t pursue certain professions, and after her death some comments she made casting the women’s rights movement  in a negative light surfaced and circulated, she was used as a foil by both sides of women’s rights movements simply because she was a woman in power.

A lot of women who weren’t rich still did work. Things weren’t equal towards them, and there was a lot of workplace harassment. (Arguably while things have gotten better, these circumstances still exist in 2026.)

Rich women often passed from being an attachment on their father’s estate to merging into their husband’s estate, without building up any assets or savings they could truly call their own.

Early laws for women’s property and banking

It’s interesting that the number of laws protecting women’s financial rights rise exactly when those rights were effectively being further restricted because of shifting societal norms.

Most of these laws applied to married women because, again, if you were single or widowed or  divorced, you were still allowed to hold property or open a bank account. At many, though not all, banks, you might need a male family member’s consent, but this was a bit less common than if you were married.

Just because you were allowed to manage your finances independently if you weren’t married didn’t mean you didn’t face discrimination. A bank might refuse to lend to you or allow you to open a bank account based on your gender, though a lot of the culture around those laws varied in different states.

There were often ‘Ladies Waiting Rooms‘ at banks that were friendly to women. Depending on the state and the individual bank, these rooms were meant for you to wait while your husband conducted business, or for you to wait while someone in the ‘Ladies Department’ prepared for the meeting concerning your own, independent finances.

1839: Married women can hold property in their own name in Mississippi. But like…

Mississippi is often credited as the first state that passed laws allowing married women to hold their own property. But the story is messy.

Remember how I said women’s rights were often advocated for in a racially-charged way?

This story is no exception.

Both legal cases that culminated in the passage of the Married Women’s Property Act of 1839 centered around a woman’s right to own an enslaved person as her own property.

The other aspect of this story is that while Mississippi was the first state to feel the need to pass this type of law, Louisiana Civil Code may have had some modicum of influence on the case. And Louisiana Civil Code already allowed married women to maintain their own property.

Please note that I do not condone the language used in the following piece, but you can take a deeper dive on the history of this specific law here.

1848: Married Women’s Property Act in New York State

In 1848, New York State passed a law that gave married women the right to own their own property. It should be noted that despite being a Northern state, slavery did still happen in New York. So it’s not like that element was taken out of the equation.

This law gave married women the right to:

  • Not be automatically liable for her husband’s debts.
  • Enter contracts independently.
  • Collect rents in her own name.
  • Receive inheritances in her own name.
  • File a lawsuit on her own.

Every single other state followed suit over the next 52 years, with similar laws on the books across the country by 1900.

1862: First state allows women to open bank accounts regardless of marital status.

That’s right. Alllll the way back in 1862, California became the first state to pass a law that explicitly allowed women to open a bank account in their own names — regardless of marital status. So even married women could participate independently.

Something to note, both with New York and California, is that these laws were impacted by people involved in the Suffragist movement. Many in the Suffragist movement were notably racist, using the rights that Black men technically but not always effectively gained after the Civil War as an argument for why white women should be granted political power and the right to vote.

Banker of Note: Maggie Lena Walker

1862: Homestead Act

In 1862, Abe Lincoln signed the Homestead Act. There’s a lot to say about the Homestead Act, but there are two pertinent points in today’s context.

The first is that it pushed cultural norms by not requiring a male cosigner for single women to participate in homesteading in their own name. While it wasn’t a banking regulation, the fact that this policy was included was of influential note.

The other thing to note with the Homestead Act is that, once again, systemic obstacles made it difficult for Black people to participate regardless of gender. Kassandra keyed us into the fact that while formerly enslaved people were eligible, the application fees were high enough to be prohibitive to an already economically disenfranchised people, resulting in 99% of the beneficiaries of the Homestead Act being white.

So, what happened in the 1960s, then?

To be real with you, I’m not 100% sure what people are referring to when they say something in the 1960s happened to make it legal for women to hold a bank account. All I can find are unsourced declarations parroted across finance sites over the past couple of years.

There were laws passed that protected women against (certain types of) pay discrimination when it came to the minimum wage, and against certain cases of employment discrimination. White women did manage their way into the Civil Rights Act of 1964, too, though this law didn’t apply to banks.

UPDATE: The 1960s claim likely stems from confusion with laws surrounding Canadian women’s banking history.

What I can tell you is what happened in the 1970s.

RBG and credit

Okay, so we know that at least since the mid-1800s if not prior, women could open a bank account in their own name. Whether they could do it as a single woman or a married woman varied by state. And even in states that allowed it, there were cultural practices that effectively ended in discrimination.

Credit was even more of a problem, and it was becoming an increasing concern as Americans started relying more heavily on credit in the 20th century. In these instances, married women were often still considered to be one legal body with their husbands, and banks often required the husband’s signature and assets to be considered on the application.

In this space, single women also faced discrimination, especially if they were younger and of marrying age. The assumption was that once they got married, they’d no longer work or have an income, and therefore they’d be bad accounts to take on.

Perceived fertility wasn’t the end all and be all, though — we were still holding onto some Victorian values that women were the weaker sex, more emotional and incapable of handling practical, logical matters on their own. Like money, and more specifically, credit.

In 1974, after a lot of great work from RBG while at the ACLU, the Equal Credit Opportunity Act passed, which, among other things, required banks to consider credit applications in a woman’s own name regardless of marital status, and only allowed banks to require the consideration of a husband’s finances if it was a joint application.

These regulations applied to anyone who issued credit, and because banks and financial institutions are the ones that tend to offer credit, they also could no longer make these requirements of those applying for deposit accounts, either.

Though, again, depending on where you lived, you may have already been protected from that discrimination by state law for deposit accounts in technicality if not practice.

Why is this important?

Were things harder for women in regards to banking prior to the 1970s?

Absolutely.

But it was not illegal for a woman to hold a bank account prior to the 1960s. Plenty of women did, and some women also held mortgages and other financial products in their own names. Some women were independently wealthy of their spouse or lack thereof.

A lot the women who did hold bank accounts were single — whether they be single mothers, never married, or widowed. Overall, they faced a lot of financial obstacles particularly when it came to workplace and employment discrimination. But when they were allowed to earn money, some were allowed to manage it, and many of them deserve some props for doing so.

It’s not just the erasure of women’s contributions that’s important. When we pretend like nothing was allowed for women in the financial sector prior to the 1970s, we also erase the systemic racism built into our legal history. Many of these laws were passed in favor of white women’s whiteness, sometimes in direct and vocal opposition to the rights of Black citizens and other marginalized citizens.

We continue to see the remnants of these ideologies passed on through our laws and the practice thereof today.

The Feminist Financial Handbook is in (another) academic publication

Cover of The Feminist Financial Handbook by Brynne Conroy with Rosie the Riveter wearing a graduation cap.

A few months ago, The Feminist Financial Handbook had a big month.

One of my children, to whom the book is dedicated, read it for the first time. They’re a fast reader, and finished it during one sitting. The entire time I was holding my breath.

Would they like it?

Honestly, it was the only review that ever mattered.

As they read, they kept popping over to me with questions.

“Mom, did you really put this reference to [inside family joke] in here?”

“Yes, I was serious when I said it was dedicated to you guys.”

“Mom, Jackie — you know her, don’t you?”

“I mean, on some level I know all the women in the book. I interviewed them all. But yes, remember when I went to Ohio to do that service project and brought back your $2 bills with OSU stickers? That was Jackie’s gift to you.”

“Don’t you have her book?”

I pulled F.I.R.E. for Dummies off the shelf. They tore through that one that night, too. They wanted to know more about how Jackie had done it. Maybe they will follow in her footsteps one day — they have the advantage of youth on their side, which is exciting.

Much like other readers, in addition to being intrigued by Jackie’s insights, Nicky and Heather’s story stuck out to them the most. In the end, I got that good review I was anxious for.

Later that month, I got some more news about The Feminist Financial Handbook. A friend sent me an academic paper. My name was in it.

The Feminist Financial Handbook is in (another) academic publication

The authors of the paper set out to analyze ‘financial feminist’ trade books, specifically those written after the onset of the pandemic. One of the texts I had never read. The other I recognized as a derivative of my own work.

The Feminist Financial Handbook is mentioned in the outset as the only explicit example of a book which these two have ‘clear links to’ as an ‘earlier work.’ The authors of the paper comment on the cover of the book, noting the dollar sign on the reimagined Rosie the Riveter’s arm, but not going into a nuanced analysis of the implications of that image created by Elina Diaz as Emily Guy Birken did in the book’s introduction.

At first glance, the book is quite literally judged by its cover. Its lack of further analysis can be attributed to the fact that it’s not a post-pandemic publication. It came out before that mess.

But as I read the paper, I wondered if the authors had read the book and found it didn’t completely align with the analysis of the post-pandemic tomes. Because the conceits lined out in the analysis of the other two texts? The Feminist Financial Handbook, for the most part and in my own admittedly biased view, doesn’t fit into them.

So I thought we’d talk a little bit today about some of the ways the book doesn’t completely meld into that third-wave feminism vibe, and why some of those decisions were purposeful.

Neoliberalism & the public versus private spheres

Third-wave feminism in the past has been described as a neoliberalisation of feminism. The two texts the paper analyzed were described as slightly different — a feminization of neoliberalism.

If you’re like, “What the heck is neoliberalism?” don’t worry. It’s not a term you’d often hear outside academia. It’s pretty much the political system we’ve been living under our whole lives. It’s highly individualistic, puts a lot of responsibility on the individual rather than society (this is called responsibilization) and favors free markets above almost anything else.

It’s not as new as the 1980s, but it really fired up to new levels in the Reagan era. Lest you think it’s a ‘Republican’ thing, many if not most Democrats also operate on neoliberal ideals, including America’s last president.

While during his presidency, some argued Joe Biden had a post-neoliberal agenda, my personal opinion is that was a lot of branding and not enough actual change seen for the American people’s lived economic experiences. This is a whole other article, though, and a ton of people wouldn’t agree with me. For most of his career, there is no argument he was neoliberal.

Whether a neoliberalization of feminism or a feminization of neoliberalism, ‘financial feminists’, the authors state, are focused almost entirely on the public sphere. (Here’s where you can gain an introductory amount of insight about the public versus private spheres.) There’s arguments for ‘work-life balance’ under these models and in these texts, but more often than not, they either cursorily acknowledge family life or erase children from the narrative altogether.

It’s a part of third-wave feminism I personally think is counterproductive. When we ignore the private sphere, we obfuscate policies that could have a real impact on women’s lives — economically and otherwise.

‘Balance’ is not an achievable goal — it’s responsibilization

Purposefully, The Feminist Financial Handbook is not that. It starts out with a dedication to my children. Decries the idea of ‘balance’ within the first chapter, as balance is an unrealistic demand for individual responsibility put upon women which does not acknowledge societal deficiencies.

It features the stories of diverse women — including a myriad of mothers with stories directly tied to their private sphere experiences. It does not operate under the assumption that women will bear children, but it also doesn’t pretend that motherhood or family life are not a huge part of some women’s lives. Not something to be ‘balanced’ away — but a daily reality integrated with the rest of their lived experience.

Joyce’s story was a prime example of this. The blending of the public and private spheres — though work-from-home opportunities — were what made her financial life stronger, even though there was initial sadness out of having to abandon a purely-public-sphere work environment where she was excelling. I’ve spoken to so many other mothers with the same story throughout my career — their careers are strengthened by opportunities that don’t ignore the private sphere. It’s one of the reasons why demands to return to the office in 2022 were extremely disheartening.

Rising tide & trickle down logics

The authors of the paper state that these two books rely on a combination of ‘rising tide’ and ‘trickle down’ logics. Essentially, the books are saying that the only way to amass power is through money, and the more money one woman has the more that empowers women as a whole.

So if you want to change the world, you’ve gotta get rich first. It’s the pre-requisite to meaningful political action, which is exercised not by collectives but by individuals with individual economic power.

Again, The Feminist Financial Handbook is not this. While there is an entire chapter dedicated to investing — the one that inspired my child to seek out more of Cummings Koski’s work — I was kind of tired of seeing financial books directed at people who have enough money to function within traditional financial education guidelines. Because a pre-requisite to investing is having enough disposable income to invest. Telling someone to invest when they can’t afford groceries is a little bit absurd.

Instead, I focused more of the book on the poverty line (where about one-third of American women lived at the time,) and lower-middle- to middle-income women, who still face some level of precarity. The book takes social programming as a financial resource head-on, whether that was Pell grants, SNAP benefits, healthcare systems, short-term disability programs for maternity leave or court-enforced child support.

It also begged women to redefine their definition of ‘wealth’ to a point where money wasn’t the only metric. To consider what led to a ‘contented’ life, and to participate in democracy — even if they weren’t rich. Not just for the benefit of themselves, but for the benefit of all the women in their communities.

I still believe that in isolation, the amount of amount of money in your bank account or IRA is not an accurate indication of your power to act within the world.

Feminist anger & economic anxiety

The texts are noted as not only expressing ‘feminist anger’ but also ‘profound anxiety’ around economic and social systems. The paper authors note that the authors resolve this anxiety by telling women they can join the ranks of the privileged and then use their money to make the lives of those ‘below’ them marginally better.

In the book I did read, there was one point where the author said something along the lines of, ‘Men have been doing it this way forever — so why can’t we?’

So essentially the resolution to this anxiety is reproducing the current system as a way to get ahead, and supposedly that somehow makes things better for people of the same gender as you who are not ahead.

It shows up problematically in both texts to differing degrees — one is not as severe as the other from my reading of the paper.

At one point in The Feminist Financial Handbook, one woman does talk about using her knowledge as someone who dug her way out to give back to her own community through financial literacy education. I don’t think this is the same thing, and I do still think it was a beautiful action on her part. I hope it’s the closest the book gets to this phenomenon in ‘financial feminist’ texts.

As for feminist anger, it was something I actively tried to avoid in the book. While anger is not a negative emotion on its own, and can sometimes inspire action that leads to great social change, the book tried to focus on intersectionality. In the introduction, we covered vocabulary terms like kyriarchy and the ways in which people are both oppressed and privileged across any number of domains — only one of which is gender. The point was, you can be experiencing the negative impacts of these systemic inequities if you’re a man, too. Similarly, if you’re a woman, there can be a lot of blind spots to acknowledge depending on where you hold privileges.

While the book did purposefully center women in both the people it interviewed and the sources it cited, it didn’t fall into tropes of ‘man-hating.’ As Bitches Get Riches put it, it “belies the feminist equals victim simplification” that people sometimes espouse based solely on their gender alone.

Acknowledging similarities

In some ways, The Feminist Financial Handbook does speak to neoliberalism. While encouraging people to get civically engaged — to organize and vote for better — it primarily focuses on the ways individual women can navigate the systems that exist. Its unique offering was targeting these strategies towards those who have less — who do not seek to replicate the systems that exist, but seek to survive within them until something better comes along. There was a gap in the trade literature for this audience, and I sought to fill it.

Because of this focus, it does not suggest the exact collective actions to engage in that would make the larger system better. While inspiring hope that this could one day be the case, it is very much focused on navigating the here-and-now in which it was written.

For what it’s worth, I’ve been educating myself on ways to make those larger systems better. I hope that’s shown in what you’ve read from me the past few years, and that it will become more apparent as time goes on. As always, we’re going to stay hopeful rather than plunging into despair.