Over the past few years, I’ve come across a lot of posts like this one:

 

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A post shared by Barbara Corcoran (@barbaracorcoran)

Or that meme about Lady Gaga responding to her jerk-of-an-ex who told her she’d never “make it” that someday he wouldn’t be able to turn on the radio without hearing her music.

No hate to Corcoran or Germanotta by any means. I admire each of them across different domains, and hardly think this truncated version of events is the whole story.

But when things are boiled down to this particular, simplistic, Darwinian meme, it always makes me a little uneasy.

It’s a little bit girl boss.

It’s a little bit shallow.

And ultimately, it centers the wrong person.

5 reasons success isn’t the best revenge in relationships

I do not believe that success is the best revenge in intimate relationships. In fact, this type of performative success can even be detrimental. Here are a handful of reasons why.

1. It externalizes success metrics.

The most profound moments of success in my life haven’t come from moments of publicity or  fame. While those things can be fleetingly affirming, the moments that really changed my life — the moments where I actually enjoyed being on the mountain top rather than immediately fixing my gaze on the next peak — came from achieving goals I didn’t publish on social media.

In my own humble experience, success directed by an internal locus of personal growth is far more rewarding than success that garners public applause.

Granted, I am a weirdo who is largely unimpressed by status.

But even still, if you give those goals that you set for yourself and no one else precedence over goals you set for the admiration or spite of others, I’m decently confident you’ll arrive at a similar conclusion.

2. You’re centering the male gaze.

Setting a goal to prove your ex wrong might feel incredibly motivating during the process.

But here’s the thing: You’re centering your goal around them.

And for ladies who date men, that inherently means you’re centering your achievements around the male gaze.

So as you’re setting these goals, try to take a step back and deconstruct. Ask yourself who is at the center of this supposed success. What goals would you be setting for yourself if you had never met that person you just broke up with?

Remove their influence from the equation entirely. Get back in touch with what you want for you. Reclaim your power by putting yourself back at the center of your own life.

Otherwise, no matter what you achieve, they are still the one controlling your life and outcomes.

3. They probably don’t care.

Unless your ex is stalking you on social media, odds are pretty high that they’re never going to hear about whatever revenge success you achieve. There is no real monoculture anymore, so whatever’s showing up in your own, individualized feed probably isn’t showing up in theirs. Maybe you’re literally Lady Gaga, but short of that, odds are pretty high that they’re not going to even know that the thing you’re trying to rub in their face ever happened.

And if they do? I hate to tell you — but they probably won’t care.

I’ve run into a few people over the course of my life who have been on the other side of this revenge success. While they might acknowledge it momentarily when they first hear about it, it’s not something that eats away at them or fills them with regret. For all those years you spend achieving it, it’s out of their head within seconds.

4. Do you really want someone that fetishizes your fame or money?

Feel free to replace “fame” or “money” with any other externalized metric.

If you’re doing this revenge success thing to prove something to them — why do you feel like it’s necessary?

Are you trying to get them back?

Do really want to be with someone who would only want you if you were draped in the trappings of worldly “success”?

And if you don’t want them back, why would you put them at the center of your goals?

5. When women’s income or status goes up, it doesn’t do what you think it’ll do.

There’s lots of studies out there that show when a woman’s economic status goes up as an individual, her partnership prospects actually go down.

Now, I’d argue that shouldn’t stop you from getting all the money. Anyone who finds you more attractive because you’re economically disenfranchised is not a good partner — even if that shrinks the pool.

But if you’re reaching for some externalized, performative success with the primary goal of getting your ex-partner to look your way, as a woman, that’s statistically unlikely to happen.

Nuance

Of course, there is grey in all areas of life. There is room for nuance.

I’ve written before about how powerful it can be to do something someone tells you is impossible. How it can be a great motivator. How it can be a remarkable way to hold onto hope in dark times.

I do still think that is true…in the context of personal empowerment.

Not necessarily in the context of revenge or spite in intimate relationships. Again, you’ve got to remember to keep yourself at the center of your own life. Otherwise, that person you’re feeling so much rage towards is still running you.

Here’s a couple ways to think about reframing it.

This will not be my story.

There are occasions in our lives when another person’s detrimental decisions about how to treat us will completely upend our lives in not-so-great ways.

I think in those moments, it’s normal to be sad and distraught. Maybe even angry if the circumstances call for it.

When it happens, after you’ve allowed yourself to have that initial reaction, a better path forward than revenge can be attempting to find some resolve.

One powerful phrase to steel yourself with is:

“This will not be my story.”

Then you can decide on what your story will be. For yourself. In your own power.

That does not mean you no longer have to contend with the consequences of other’s decisions.

It does not erase all agony.

But it does allow you to to give authorship to what happens next.

By focusing on what you do and don’t want your story to be, you allow yourself to center all the amazing things you are and could be — independent of the poor decisions and actions other have taken towards you. You’re back behind the wheel rather than letting someone who did you wrong drive the car.

The loss is you. And you don’t have to do anything to prove it.

When someone handles you poorly, the “revenge,” if it must be framed that way, is that you — as a human being — are no longer in their lives. You could strip away all the economic and physical trappings, and even still, the loss is in the inherent qualities of your soul. You don’t need to be featured on page one of any newspaper to have value.

And if you feel like you do? Get out a pen and paper.

Write down all the amazing things you are now. Today. Without changing a thing.

Rather than focusing on the aspirational things you think they may regret in the future, look at that list of great qualities they’ve chosen to give up in the moment. That’s the “revenge.” You don’t need anything beyond that.

Because who you become tomorrow should belong to you — not to an ex out of spite.