Note: This post may contain triggers for those who have been in abusive relationships. If you are in an abusive relationship, note your internet usage may be being monitored without your knowledge.
The month of October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. To highlight the issues that victims face physically, emotionally and economically, Femme Frugality will be discussing the issue every Friday. We will do this through a mix of stories, conversations and factual articles. To help raise awareness, please use the hashtag #DVAM when sharing these articles.
What is financial abuse?
When we think of domestic violence, we typically think of the last part of the word: violence. We think of it practiced physically and sexually. While this is a very real part of the issue, there are several ways that abusers exert control.
One of these types of abuse is financial abuse, also commonly referred to as economic abuse. This is one of the most common ways abuse is perpetrated, but it is so seldom talked about that the term isn’t even found in many of our most-used dictionaries.
Here’s a definition for you:
There are so many ways that someone can try to control you through money. Here are a few:
- Disallowing you to work.
- Disallowing you to seek further education or job training.
- Disallowing you access to the family finances.
- Denying you financial education, often by maintaining exclusive control of the family finances.
- Giving you an “allowance,” or making you ask for money.
- Forcing you to work for them or their business without compensation.
- Stealing your identity.
- Threatening to ruin your credit history by withholding the money you need to pay the bills that are in your name.
- Racking up debt on joint accounts or draining joint bank accounts without discussing the purchases with you.
All of these things make it extremely difficult to leave the relationship, even if you want to. It’s emotional, but it’s also incredibly practical. How are you going to get a job with no job history? How are you going to manage finances if you’ve never done it before? How are you supposed to get back on your feet when they literally control all of your assets, both long-term and liquid?
Financial abuse contributes to the homelessness of many survivors, and can make it difficult to establish financial security even years after leaving.
Why does abuse happen?
If you are in an abusive relationship, know that it is not your fault. As much as the offender may tell you that you’re to blame, there is no deficiency inherent in you that’s causing this.
Abuse happens because the offender is seeking control. Many times, they feel out of control in their own lives, so it makes them feel better to try to control you.
You cannot fix their behavior. They may be able to change, but it’s not very likely to happen. The want for change has to come from within themselves. Then, they must actually work at it.
You may be madly and deeply in love with the person who is doing this to you. That doesn’t mean that what’s happening is okay. And that doesn’t mean that you can’t seek help.
Who does domestic violence affect?
Ninety-four to ninety-nine percent of domestic violence survivors have also experienced financial abuse. The reach of domestic violence is massive and overwhelming. When we think of domestic violence, we typically think of heterosexual women as the victims. There’s good cause for this. Nearly twenty-two percent of women who live with a male partner have experienced Intimate Partner Violence (IPV,) which includes rape, stalking and/or psychical assault.
But that number doesn’t tell the whole story. In that same study, twenty-three percent of men living with a male partner reported experiencing IPV.
According to the CDC, one in every two bisexual women has been raped in their lifetime. That compares with one in every six heterosexual women and one in every eight lesbian women. One in every two transgender individuals has been raped or assaulted within their romantic relationships. Fifty percent of all LGBTQ women experience some type of abuse within their relationships.
What are the effects of abuse?
Obviously, none of the effects of abuse are good. Unfortunately, there are many of them.
Death
- In 2013, 895 women were killed by their spouse or intimate partner.
- Twenty percent of the homicides revolving around domestic violence result in the victim being not the partner, but rather a friend, family member or acquaintance who tried to do the right thing and intervene.
- Seventy-two percent of all murder/suicides are related to domestic violence with 94% of the murder victims being women.
- Many victims are killed as they are attempting to leave the relationship. (Do not leave because you read a blog post! Talk to a professional, trained counselor before making any decisions.)
- Have a firearm in your home? Chances of homicide go up 500%.
- About twenty-five percent of victims of domestic violence attempt suicide.
Depression
- Sixty percent of battered women experience depression.
- Abuse can also lead to dissociation. This is when you mentally “check-out” when your brain gets overwhelmed. Dissociation can continue even if/when you’ve escaped the abusive situation.
- You can also experience PTSD.
- Recent studies show that mothers who have been or are in abusive relationships are at a higher risk for Postpartum Depression, which has now been shown to surface when a child is age four at an even higher frequency than the first few months or weeks after childbirth.
Economic
We’ve already talked about how this can affect survivors on a personal level, but some of the national statistics are shocking.
- Victims miss out on a collective 8 million days of paid work each year.
- Even if your partner allows you to work, twenty-one to sixty percent of victims lose their jobs because of a circumstance related to abuse.
- In a single year, 130,000 stalking victims were essentially asked to resign because the employer didn’t want to deal with the complications of having a stalker around.
How can I get help?
If you find yourself experiencing any type of abuse, check out these resources. Be very careful not to make any big decisions about your relationship until after talking to a trained professional as these situations can turn dangerous very quickly. But do know that there is help available. People do care, and there is hope.
Related Domestic Abuse Content
To learn more about domestic violence or abuse, or to find more ways to get help, check out other articles in this series:
Applying for Health Insurance as Domestic Violence Survivor
As a domestic violence survivor, you qualify for a special enrollment period at any time of year thanks to the ACA. Apply on the marketplace today.
The Intersection of Islamophobia and Domestic Violence
Nour Naas shares her important story and perspective on domestic violence and how marginalized groups face additional barriers when it comes to reporting.
Economic Effects of Sexual Assault: A Case Study via Dr. Ford
What can we learn about the economic plight of sexual assault and domestic violence survivors from Dr. Ford's testimony? As it turns out, a lot.
Economic Abuse: Silent Epidemic of Abused Children
Survivors of childhood abuse encounter unique challenges, even in the realm of economic abuse. Read Dr. Kenisha Burke's story of overcoming identity theft.
The Silver Lining Behind My Debt
There is a lot of stigma around debt. There is a lot of stigma around domestic abuse. But debt is a useful tool that can help you become a survivor.
8 Signs You May Be in an Abusive Relationship
Many abuse victims don't realize their relationship is unhealthy until it is too late. Here are red flags to watch for from a domestic violence survivor.
Unique Economic Obstacles for LGBTQ+ IPV Survivors
While intimate partner violence happens at a comparable rate in the LGBTQ+ community, survivors face additional financial barriers.
The Long-Term Financial Effects of PTSD
PTSD affects combat veterans and survivors of domestic abuse alike. Learn what it can do to your finances, and what you can do about it.
Getting Help: LGBTQ+ Domestic Violence Survivors
Domestic violence does happen in the LGBTQ+ community. Here's how to get help if you need it, and how society can better help survivors.
Financial Abuse: My Partner Nearly Drained Me Dry
Financial abuse doesn't just happen when a partner tries to limit your income; it can also happen when they try to take over the money you're bringing in.
8 Ways to Help Loved Ones in Abusive Relationships
Having a friend or family member who is in an abusive relationship is hard. This article gives you tips to help from a domestic violence survivor.
What is Financial Abuse?
Financial abuse is something many go through, but not all recognize it even as it's happening. Read on to learn how to identify this type of abuse.
I Have No Money: Leaving an Abusive Relationship
Leaving an abusive relationship is difficult, complex and nuanced. One major hurdle is finances. Lessen that problem with these resources and grants.
I have seen these things play out so many times in the lives of people I care about. It’s really heartbreaking. It can make it even more difficult to leave a dangerous relationship. Thanks for spreading the word!
I hope the people in your life are okay! It is such a difficult thing to deal with. Breaks my heart.
Financial abuse is bad, but with crisis most employes use it as excuse and depression is a consequence, I hope this will be a thing that will disappear soon from this world…
Wow those are some shocking statistics, what a shame. Thanks for spreading awareness! I’ll look forward to your weekly posts.
They are shocking and ridiculously sad. I’ll look forward to having you back as we with through these conversations.
Great article!
Such an important article. My mom suffered financial abuse in her marriage. Now that she is divorced and not very good at money she refuses help from her children for fear of losing control. Hard to watch her make mistakes then use her credit cards to bale herself out of a short-fall.
I knew someone who went through this in the late 50’s—her husband made her give her all the money she earned and then he would manage it. Luckily that marriage didn’t last. Her father was pretty progressive for the day, asking her why on earth she would ever let him manage HER money?
It must be so hard to watch that, but I understand her reluctance to rely on her children. Independence is a big thing, but also who wants to inconvenience those they love the most?
Hopefully as women have more of a voice and marginalized populations gain more allies, this situation will slow down. In an ideal world, it would end completely. But until that day let’s keep talking about it.
Those stats are pretty awful. I’m glad you’ve written such a helpful post. Sorry that it’s necessary.
Me, too, Jaime. Truly wish it weren’t.
Typically abuse is often depicted in the form of having a controlling partner in the ways described above – but recently I came across a piece that listed signs of financial abuse that also included things like “refusing to contribute enough to cover their share of the household expenses”. And that really hit home for me. Being taken advantage of financially when you are the main or sole earner is a real issue too.
I’m going to shoot you an email, because you’re absolutely right.
Thank you so much for highlighting this important issue and providing resources for help. Abuse of any kind is terrible, but when emotional and physical abuse are combined with financial abuse, it can leave the victims little hope of escape. But help is out there.
It certainly threatens to diminish hope. Escaping is hard, and money is a huge part of that. You’re right, though—there are resources! Thank you for joining the conversation, Gary. Your insights always add so much.
There’s a dark side to financial matters too, isn’t there? I luckily haven’t had to experience this (and at least I don’t think I’ve perpetrated it on anyone) but I suspect it was pretty darn common just a generation ago. Yet another reason we need to fight for equal pay for everyone: to help give people the income they need to break out from an abusive situation.
THIS. 100% agreed. Also, I think it’s important that having at least one separate account start being a standard recommendation (or at least not demonized.) It’s not about not trusting your partner—-it’s about insuring yourself against the statistics.
This is such an important post and I’m glad you wrote it.
I think the most difficult piece to financial abuse is that it’s way more subtle than other types of abuse. It’s just as devastating but way more subtle in its signs. So much so that when you’re in it, it’s hard to notice until it’s almost too late.
Truth. There’s a major difference between a healthy consent to who will be earning and managing what and an exertion of power. But if you’re being manipulated, it can be hard to see that difference in the moment.
Thank you for bringing the tough topics to light. Some of those stats shocked me. “Nearly twenty-two percent of women who live with a male partner have experienced Intimate Partner Violence…” 1 in 5 women. I would not have guessed it. I have come into contact with 3 people who have economic elder abuse in their families. The entitled teen grew up to become abusive in middle age. I think this is something that is more common than we realize. It’s a matter of shame that people don’t talk about
Elder abuse is a big problem. Both physically and financially. Physically I’ve heard of it happening more by nursing home providers than family, but that’s probably because I come from a line of nurses. I’m so sorry that you have known so many people to go through the financial side. What a doozy. How do you get an advocate when it’s your own child?
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