October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. In recognition, Femme Frugality is running a series on the topic every Monday. This series will include a mixture of factual pieces and personal stories.
Please use the hashtag #DVAM2017 when sharing this article on social media.
Note: This post may contain triggers for survivors of abuse.
Over 35% of American women have experienced intimate partner violence (IPV.) While violence isn’t a prerequisite for financial abuse, when physical or sexual abuse is present, 94%-99% of the time, financial abuse comes along with it.
When we think of of abuse, we typically think of women in relationships with men. We assume these women are heterosexual, even though they may fall on a different point of the spectrum of sexual orientation. For example, bisexual women or pansexual women may be in a relationship that appears to meet our cultural perception of heteronormativity.
But abuse doesn’t just happen in 1:1, male:female relationships. In fact, it has a comparable rate of occurence in LGBTQ+ relationships to heterosexual relationships.
Financial abuse is a problem here, too. In fact, there are additional forms of abuse LGBTQ+ individuals are subject to. These abuses affect their personal finances in real and potentially devastating ways.
What is financial abuse?
Financial abuse is when your partner attempts to entrap you in a relationship by robbing you of your economic power. Abuse in all its forms is a way to assert control.
Your partner doesn’t have to be the primary breadwinner to pursue financial abuse. You can be bringing in the money and still be robbed of your control, and therefore your ability to leave.
To learn more about financial abuse, read this article.
Prejudices against the LGBTQ+ Community
We have come a long way in our country towards equal rights for some parts of the LGBTQ+ community. But we still have a very long way to go.
We hold prejudices we don’t even think about as we go about our day-to-day lives. We systemically oppress and allow these prejudices to influence policies and laws. This behavior is dangerous at all times, but it has a particularly pronounced effect on LGBTQ+ survivors.
Heteronormativity
Andi Tremonte, advocate with OUTreach Utah, defines heteronormativity as, “the assumption, in individuals or institutions, that everyone is heterosexual, and that heterosexuality is superior to homosexuality or bisexuality.”
Heteronormativity has real impacts on employees in the workplace — whether or not they are in an abusive relationship.
Heteronormativity gives birth to homophobia, which Tremonte describes as, “the irrational fear of homosexuals, homosexuality, or any behavior, belief or attitude of self or others, which does not conform to rigid stereotypes for relationships and attraction.”
Cisnormativity
For as hard of a time as our culture has denouncing heteronormativity, we have an even harder time distancing ourselves from cisnormativity.
Tremonte defines cisnormativity as, “the assumption, in individuals or institutions, that everyone is cisgender, and that being cisgender is superior to being trans.”
Cisgender simply means that you express the gender you were assigned at birth in a way that is viewed as acceptable to our society.
The thing is, gender expression is a spectrum, too. In fact, Tremonte notes that you’ll find a wide array of identities and expressions when you look at the trans community.
Cisnormativity can lead to transphobia, which Tremonte says is, “the irrational fear of trans people, transgenderism, or any behavior, belief or attitude of self or others, which does not conform to rigid sex and gender-role stereotypes.”
He also notes that the occurrence rate of domestic violence is higher for trans people in general, and even higher for trans women of color.
Financial Impacts of Heteronormativity and Cisnormativity on Survivors
Heteronormativity and cisnormativity in and of themselves inflict financial oppression.
Until June of 2020 when federal protections were officially acknowledged by the Supreme Court for the LGBTQ+ community, in states without appropriate Non-Discrimination Acts (NDAs,) workers could be fired simply because their boss thought they may fall outside of heteronormative or cisnormative cultural expectations.
Only thirty-three states had some measure of employment protections based on sexual orientation in 2017. Even fewer extended these protections based on gender identity.
Employment isn’t the only area of concern, though. There are separate NDAs — or lack thereof — for the following areas, too:
- Housing.
- Hate crimes.
- Access to healthcare.
- Access to education.
- Public accommodations.
Because it is legal to discriminate in these areas in some states based on your sexual orientation or gender identity, you can run into some really serious financial problems if you are outed.
Tremonte notes that especially for trans individuals, it goes beyond finances: Being outed can be the difference between life and death.
Cultural and Identity Abuse
LGBTQ+ survivors face unique types of abuse that heterosexual and cisgender survivors typically do not: Cultural abuse and identity abuse.
One way these types of abuse manifest is when someone threatens to out you. They may out you for being gay, for being transgender, for being HIV+, etc.
Those who aren’t LGBTQ+ can face these types of abuse as they relate to religious practice or immigration status.
Cultural and identity abuse leak into so many areas of your life, including your personal finances. Because of the country’s generally weak stance on protective NDA laws, being a victim of cultural or identity abuse has the very real potential of making you permanently unemployable, homeless, or — as Tremonte pointed out — dead.
He also notes that a lack of NDAs are not just a concern for the LGBTQ+ community; if you are simply thought to be outside the bounds of heteronormative or cisnormative biases, you can face the same consequences.
What You Can Do About It
All of this can feel extremely overwhelming. But there are things you can do to help make the situation better.
Survivors: Know That You Have Rights
Leaving an abusive relationship is difficult for anyone, but when you’re not an apparently straight woman, things get even harder. There is limited shelter for men, and prejudices have historically made it difficult for LGBTQ+ women to get the help they need.
However, in 2013, the Violence Against Women Act was updated to provide more protection to the LGBTQ+ community. You can read about the updates here.
Voice Your Support to Your Legislators
In 2020, the LGBTQ+ community was finally acknowledged in protective employment laws that previously only extended to straight women in the eyes of the courts.
This doesn’t solve everything. We still need to keep putting pressure on our state and federal legislators to further enforce LGBTQ+ rights in codified law.
Write to or call your legislators to let them know you want to see stronger protective laws for the LGBTQ+ community. You can find out who your legislators are here.
Type in your address to find those that represent you at the federal level.
Select your state from the map to see the legislators that affect state laws where you live.
Change the Culture
The legal acknowledgement of gay marriage was only achieved after decades of advocacy from the LGBTQ+ community. When the Supreme Court was finally convinced that American public opinion had shifted, equal rights in one realm were realized.
But we still have a long way to go, and equal rights in other realms are still out of reach. You have a voice. Use it.
When you see heteronormativity or cisnormativity in action, call it out. It doesn’t matter where you notice it — at work, around the dinner table, or coming out of your own mouth. Things are not going to change, and LGBTQ+ survivors will continue to face additional barriers in leaving abusive relationships, until we change public opinion and therefore legislation.
Related Domestic Abuse Content
To learn more about domestic violence or abuse, or to find more ways to get help, check out other articles in this series:
Applying for Health Insurance as Domestic Violence Survivor
As a domestic violence survivor, you qualify for a special enrollment period at any time of year thanks to the ACA. Apply on the marketplace today.
The Intersection of Islamophobia and Domestic Violence
Nour Naas shares her important story and perspective on domestic violence and how marginalized groups face additional barriers when it comes to reporting.
Economic Effects of Sexual Assault: A Case Study via Dr. Ford
What can we learn about the economic plight of sexual assault and domestic violence survivors from Dr. Ford's testimony? As it turns out, a lot.
Economic Abuse: Silent Epidemic of Abused Children
Survivors of childhood abuse encounter unique challenges, even in the realm of economic abuse. Read Dr. Kenisha Burke's story of overcoming identity theft.
The Silver Lining Behind My Debt
There is a lot of stigma around debt. There is a lot of stigma around domestic abuse. But debt is a useful tool that can help you become a survivor.
8 Signs You May Be in an Abusive Relationship
Many abuse victims don't realize their relationship is unhealthy until it is too late. Here are red flags to watch for from a domestic violence survivor.
Unique Economic Obstacles for LGBTQ+ IPV Survivors
While intimate partner violence happens at a comparable rate in the LGBTQ+ community, survivors face additional financial barriers.
The Long-Term Financial Effects of PTSD
PTSD affects combat veterans and survivors of domestic abuse alike. Learn what it can do to your finances, and what you can do about it.
Getting Help: LGBTQ+ Domestic Violence Survivors
Domestic violence does happen in the LGBTQ+ community. Here's how to get help if you need it, and how society can better help survivors.
Financial Abuse: My Partner Nearly Drained Me Dry
Financial abuse doesn't just happen when a partner tries to limit your income; it can also happen when they try to take over the money you're bringing in.
8 Ways to Help Loved Ones in Abusive Relationships
Having a friend or family member who is in an abusive relationship is hard. This article gives you tips to help from a domestic violence survivor.
What is Financial Abuse?
Financial abuse is something many go through, but not all recognize it even as it's happening. Read on to learn how to identify this type of abuse.
I Have No Money: Leaving an Abusive Relationship
Leaving an abusive relationship is difficult, complex and nuanced. One major hurdle is finances. Lessen that problem with these resources and grants.
It makes me rage-level angry that the current administration is stripping away basic workplace protections, but I suppose it just highlights the need for us to vote, to write in to representatives and senators, and to speak out when people in our circles are exhibiting the bad behaviors you noted in the post.
It sucks to admit, but I certainly exhibit a lot of the bad thinking outlined above. I find myself thinking in terms of binary gender, of thinking that if we had a son we’d want him to act a certain way, etc. Lame, but it’s true. Still have a lot to work on.
Yes, yes, yes to that entire first paragraph. We’re living in times where our morals and cultural values are being tested in a sick way. Let’s hope enough people speak out.
Raising kids is an interesting thing. So many thoughts–the first being that I think we tend to want to be able to identify with our children, and when you’re looking at a point of oppression that you don’t personally face, you want “normalcy” for them so they don’t suffer. But it’s not who the child is that creates the suffering; it’s the systems of oppression that we have set up that are the cause of pain. I’ve seen this in a few disability circles–abled people don’t want their kids to have any type of disability, but at least with disabilities where there’s a unique culture behind the community, being born “disabled” isn’t something to be sad about. In fact, in these cases it’s often viewed as something to celebrate.
Another thing–in our culture we tend to oversexualize children–especially within our preconstructed binary bounds that tie orientation, identity and expression together in a finite way. I think it’s good that you recognize it in yourself–I know I’ve caught myself doing it from time to time. (And I already have kids so that’s probably worse.) Then, after you catch it, it’s about addressing and rectifying it so you don’t remain another cog in the machine in that specific way.
And then do the same every time you catch it. It’s not about any one individual being a bad person. It’s about changing harmful social constructs that we’re all indoctrinated to by addressing them one thought and action at a time.
Honestly, after you have kids a lot changes. I know their dad was very into sports and all the “typical” masculine stuff and was looking forward to all that. But I remember when he held our baby in his arms for the first time, whole-heartedly saying he didn’t care what they grew up to be–he was just going to do everything within his power to protect them and make them happy. It was a real turning point for him, I think, and I do want to note that he was a pretty accepting person before that in other areas of his life.
He remembered the advice my aunt passively gave us a few months before—it’s not our job to turn them into who we or society want them to be; it’s a privilege to be able to bring a life into this world, and it’s our job to take care of them, support them in everything they are, and do everything in our power to help them achieve even their wildest dreams.
It’s horrible that LGBTQ+ individuals don’t have protections across the country, and even where there are laws, they can be difficult to enforce. Like many heterosexual, cisgender people, I didn’t pay much attention to these problems until I met my wife (who is pansexual). She’s opened my eyes to the struggles faced by members of the LGBTQ+ community (even if she hasn’t experienced them personally). Although we’ve come a long way in society, we still have a long way to go to making things right.
YES. That is so true. An employer can come up with some lie of an excuse even when the real reason was 100% discriminatory. Major flaw with these protective laws that I’m not sure how to deal with other than REALLY good lawyers, but if you’ve lost your job, it can be hard to afford them unless they only take a cut in victory.
Such a long way to go–especially for certain people in the community who have not benefited as greatly from recent changes in social attitudes. And so, we keep going.