Is It Wrong to Spy on My Fiance?

is it wrong to spy on my husband?It was an accident.  Really, it was.

It was about two weeks before our wedding.  The kids by some miracle were actually sleeping, all at the same time.  My phone rang.  It was my fiance.  He was at work.  I picked it up with a musical, “Hi, baby!” (Because that’s how I sound in my head: musical.)

No response.  “Hello?”

I could hear him talking to someone as his phone swished around.  I had been pocket-dialed.

And I almost hung up.

But I didn’t.  Someone just asked him if he was nervous about the wedding.  And I couldn’t force myself to hang up.

“No, not really.  I love her.  We’ve been together for xxxxx years, so it’s not like anything’s really changing.  I mean, we don’t have joint bank accounts or anything yet, but pretty much everything’s the same.”

Interesting.  For those of you who are new, I’m not very into joint bank accounts.  I prefer my money separate, and he seemed okay with that.  I stayed on the line.  Because I had to know what else he would say when I wasn’t listening.

Maybe that’s wrong.

But it turned out okay.  It turned out great, actually.  People were asking him a succession of questions, all of which had answers that were congruent with what we’ve talked about together.  We want to buy a house, and this next tax return will be awesome to help us save up for that in addition to what we’re already trying to stash away.  Of course, he also outlined everything we’ve spent our past tax return money on, which was a little more than I’d normally share.  He outlined my jobs options and prospects…including salaries.  And he said he wanted to find an entry-level position somewhere in his field before he graduated so he could have benefits and have experience under his belt before graduation.  Again with the expected salary.

Then he started walking and things got all swishy again.  So I finally hung up.

Overall I was really glad I spied.  How many people get the chance to know that you’re really, truly on the same page in such a candid way two weeks before you say, “I do?”  The only thing I found a little surprising was how open he was about our money.

I confessed my espionage when he got home. We talked about the joint bank account.  He said he knew my stance on it.  He also said that it wouldn’t make sense for us with the ways we get paid and how much sense each of the services our respective banks offer us; combining would just make things 20 times more complicated.  Which wasn’t something I had thought about, but is true.  He said the reason he even brought it up was that most people just think that’s “what you do” when you get married.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about what he was going to say when he didn’t know I was listening.  But I was super happy about everything I heard.  Especially that, “I love her,” part.

 

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19 thoughts on “Is It Wrong to Spy on My Fiance?

    1. femmefrugality Post author

      Yup! We share savings goals and bills and everything, but I prefer to keep things separate. It protects both of us financially should anything bad happen. (Don’t think it will, but I didn’t think it would in a past relationship where a joint account got drained and all other kinds of financial drama ensued.) It doesn’t hinder our ability to work as a financial team in any way shape or form, and we can buy each other Christmas presents and have them be a real surprise. No telltale bank statements to worry about! Because you’re not seeing each other’s each and every financial move, there is a deep level of trust involved, which is not a problem for us. I know the other side is that you could say we don’t trust each other because we don’t want the other person owning the account with us. And honestly, if we were breaking up, I don’t think we would be trusting each other in that moment or thinking rationally. I believe that will never happen, but not many people get married with the intent of divorce. It’s about protection for me should the unthinkable happen.

      Reply
      1. brian503

        I can see that POV. I have a family member who has be divorced and it can get financially messy quickly. I guess if I was that committed to this POV I might just sign a prenuptial.

        Reply
        1. femmefrugality

          Eh, in our case I don’t think all that is necessary. Neither one of us is seriously out earning the other, and anything that we do have later down the line will be built on each other’s backs. In my mind, open to litigation.

          But I haven’t really thought all that doom and gloom-y. We’re in love and have a family. It’s not about planning for a divorce for me; it’s more about not repeating my past mistakes.

          Reply
      1. femmefrugality Post author

        Absolutely! Most of it was reassuring. I’m glad he’s a good guy and that we express our unbridled opinions when we’re around each other. Otherwise that pocket dial could have been heartbreaking.

        Reply
  1. Alicia

    Pocket dials when you can actually hear conversations are elusive. Usually it sounds like the adults in Charlie Brown 🙂 I would have listened too, and fessed up afterwards. He wouldn’t care, unless it let me know about some surprise I wasn’t supposed to know about.

    Reply
    1. femmefrugality Post author

      I know, right? I got lucky, depending on how you look at it. Glad for the content I picked up on, too. 🙂

      Reply
  2. Kalen

    I don’t think it was wrong since you told him! If you hadn’t, then you may have had something to hide and it would have been wrong. IMO! Either way, you stumbled into the “spying” by accident. lol. As far as separate accounts for married couples, I am all for having separate money for yourself, but keeping the main funds together. I understand if you feel differently, especially being afraid of something bad happening. My wife and I know that the only way out of our marriage is in a body bag. HAHA.It wasn’t as easy at first to trust each other fully with all our money, but almost 9 years later, we wouldn’t have it any other way. Thanks for sharing your story!

    Reply
    1. femmefrugality

      Agreed. It would have been a kind of shady secret. 🙂 Like I told Brian, we trust each other wholly right now…I think it takes a lot of trust to keep things separate. To trust that he’s spending and saving within our goals and the same for me. But if we were ever splitting, which I don’t foresee happening, we are going to grow old together, there would most llikely be little to no trust in that time. And that’s what you hedge against. Because it’s nice to think everyone will love each other forever and never split, but reality is more than 50% of marriages end in divorce. Not about not loving each other….we both took the commitment very seriously. For me it’s just about being real.

      Reply
  3. Suburban Finance

    I see nothing wrong with it since it’s not like you did on purpose and you eventually told him that you did (kind of) spy on him. I think it actually ended well with you, as then you knew that you could trust him and he respected your stance on non-joint bank account, even when you’re not around 🙂

    Reply
  4. daisyprairieecothrifter

    I don’t think I’ve ever hung up on a pocket dial right away.I don’t think I would have cared if my (now husband) fiance had listened to a pocket dial that I accidentally called him with. I don’t know if he would care. I think it’s good that you told him though.

    Reply
    1. femmefrugality

      I think if you’re both doing good things, it shouldn’t matter. I did feel a little guilty, though. :p I usually hang up as soon as I realize I’m in a pocket, but maybe I should start hanging on a little longer….oh, the moral webs we weave…..

      Reply
  5. Britnee

    I would of hung up because I’m such a chicken like that! I’m so glad you did though. Let me tell you what I would of done in your situation. Hung up and text him or call him and tell him to stop butt dialing me.
    I do love that you two are in the same page. I love that you have separate bank accounts.If you have the same level of trust with a join account you should have it with a separate. The key is trust. I’m in the same situation we have a family and now we are getting married this fall. We have been together for many years and the way we have set our financial system has worked for us. Thank you for sharing this story.

    Reply
    1. femmefrugality

      Haha! That’s what I usually do, too, but I don’t normally stumble upon such an interesting conversation! And thank you! Trust really is the key, and doing what works for you as a couple. I’m so excited for your wedding! We did it the same way…family and then marriage. It worked for us! I think there’s a lot of pressure around marriage, and my experience has been that the relationship is the same, with or without the paperwork. If the commitment is there, it’s there. The party and celebration and public declaration is such a great experience, too, though! Let me know if you end up doing the self-uniting! Would love to hear about your experience.

      Reply
  6. Alison Agnew (@Nancherrrow)

    I don’t think I could’ve resisted either! No judgement from me! But I’m glad you heard only good things, and later told your fiance. Honesty is the key, I think. Thanks for sharing at Fridays Unfolded!

    Alison
    Nancherrow

    Reply
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